Vanessa Bryant is Not Here for Losers Who Can’t Win Championships

Vanessa Bryant isn’t just in the Gold Diggers Hall of Fame, she’s the model their Lifetime Achievement trophy is based on, because she is the penultimate digger of gold.  Since she’s at the top of her game, she expects no less from Kobe at all times.

In an interview with NY Mag’s The Cut, Vanessa reveals she ain’t here for second place:

“I certainly would not want to be married to somebody that can’t win championships. If you’re sacrificing time away from my family and myself for the benefit of winning championships, then winning a championship should happen every single year.”

Vanessa also reveals that she’s the A-List basketball wife on the team, and all them other bitches aren’t fit to breathe her air.  Because of that, the Lakers give her special snowflake treatment:

“Khloé was at my 29th birthday. I don’t get involved in the drama. I’ve been with Kobe since I was 17, so I’ve seen plenty of players, and plenty of wives, come and go. It wouldn’t benefit me whatsoever to have an issue with any of them, whether they were a girlfriend, or a wife, a person-of-a-month, or … you know. And I think that’s why the Lakers as an organization give me the access that I have, that other wives don’t have.” She talks about the tunnel on the way to the locker room that she stands in to give Kobe a kiss after games, the one that cameras always pan to. “If you notice, I am the only one allowed in that tunnel,” says Bryant. “I don’t like standing outside and giving him a kiss in front of all the cameras. So I stand in there to get away from them. But then the cameras end up following. And if the girls are there, sometimes, that’s their kiss good night for Daddy, and when he comes home, they’re asleep.”

Vanessa also thinks the once elite Birkin bag is now for basic bitches – and she’s no basic bitch.

I’m not really a handbag person anymore,” says Kobe Bryant’s wife, Vanessa. “I’ve collected Birkin bags, Chanel 2.55 jumbo flap bags, and the Marc Jacobs Stephen Sprouse collection for Louis Vuitton since I was a teenager. But now, as they say, everyone and their mom is buying a Birkin or a regular size 2.55 bag in black, taupe, or beige. I’ve been sticking to a magenta suede Proenza Schouler bag.”

Vanessa is like the GOOP of the NBA.  On one and I know I should be disgusted, but on the other hand I’m like werq that gold digging bitchy shade, Vanessa.  She does it so well, she makes it an art form.  The ability to throw shade, exude Fishtick levels of snobbiness and be completely disconnected from reality is both awful and awesome.  

And Kobe, you better not even think about coming home until you win another championship.

5-out-of-5 Golden Shovels for you, Vanessa.  As always, you inspire gold diggers everywhere to be the best that they can be!

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