Oooh burn, Jeremy – and I’m not just talking what you most likely feel when you pee.
A stripper who allegedly received cunnilingus from the Entourage star has written all about it – and her account is not very flattering for Piven!
Sarah Tressler – Houston Chronicle columnist by day, “professional dancer” by night, wrote on her blog about having to interview Jeremy Piven for US Weekly. Tressler admits to being a groupie of his (one of questionable taste and low standards, IMO, because I want to pump a full bottle of Valtrex down my throat from simply looking at pictures of him). Either way, after the interview, Tressler let Ari Gold get intimate with her girly bits and describes it in detail for us (via Gawker) :
GIVE ME THE GREEN LIGHT … GIVE ME JUST ONE NIGHT – I’M READY TO GO RIGHT NOW
This is a good song, I thought as his head maneuvered somewhere below my waist. I was kind of also watching TV – a football game was on mute – and finally starting to come to the realization that John Legend was worth all the hype he was getting at the Sundance Film Festival the previous year.
Sex with someone new is always awkward, and sex with someone new who’s also the object of my celebrity schoolgirl desire is very awkward and not enjoyable, no matter how much I want it to be. I alternated between being nervous that I was not as hot as his last hookup, being amazed that I was looking at Entourage’s Ari Gold eat my pussy, and being bored with how mundane it was. It was all somewhat disappointing, frankly.
To make matters worse, I caused a minor accident that could have been disastrous. I get a bit lively when I’m being intimate, and I threw a pillow off to the side at one point, which landed on the nightstand. Out of the corner of my eye I noticed a flash of light.
“Jeremy! The candle – !”
Candlelight is so cliché, anyway.
Jeremy Piven boring your hoo-ha with his lack of head skills isn’t at all surprising to me, although I’ll be honest – I probably wouldn’t have even noticed how dull it was. I’d have been way too busy taking the opportunity to get up close and personal with his head like that. (No, not that head – his real one!) An unfettered opportunity to study his hairline like that? And check for plugs or – even better – a toupee? Worth it’s weight in gold!
And let me tell you, if Piven was sporting a chinchilla on his head -well, it wouldn’t be a pillow that almost caught the place on fire. I would’ve been snatching his wig, literally.
One final note: Thank you, Sarah Tressler, for ruining John Legend for me now. I’ll never be able to listen to that song again without thinking of Jeremy Piven’s blah cunnilingus skills.